Domestic Violence Awareness Month Day 3

If you or know someone in need of domestic violence resources help is available by calling 1-800-799-7233 or 800-787-3244 or visiting the website www.safe4all.org

Why Don't You Just Leave?


When I began to have the courage to speak up about the abusive marriage I was in, I was often asked by others "why don't you just leave?" The truth is I did on three separate occasions before I finally left for good. There are a myriad of reasons why the abused stay in abusive relationships. On the list here http://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/abuse-victims-stay.html outlines the motives for staying rather than leaving. For me, it was the attachment I had to this man who was also my children's father. I had come from a divorced home and did not want my son to grow up without his father. I also believed he would change. After all his mother told me, "just turn the other cheek" when he would do something I felt were abusive. But as time went by, I thought if I did leave, where would I go? I had talked to my mother several times about my situation. She was unsupportive and unwilling to take my son and I in. Over and over again, she said, "you made your bed, now lie in it." If I did not have my mother to turn to, where else were we going to go? It was not like I had a well-paying job that would have afforded me to find an apartment on my own. At the time, there were also few to no shelters available to people in my situation. I was a mother with a child with disabilities who also happened to be a boy. Right away that immediately prevented entry. Last but not least, I risked losing my surviving child to the state as if there was any hint of domestic violence, child protective services were mandated to remove children. Eventually, I just accepted that it was better to stay then fight what was bigger than me but it did not stop from trying.

We had just gotten a computer with the internet. The research skills I acquired as a reporter during high school came in handy. I began to search for help outside of my state. I hit upon a shelter run by the Sisters of Mercy for women and children. After speaking with the director of the program, I made plans to leave my job and within days we did.

My son and I stayed there for about a month with the hopes I would find a job and an apartment. Unfortunately finding a job in this area was difficult as one needed a car (I don't drive) to get to most places out of the area and I did not have child care. Through the shelter staff, I was able to get a subsidized apartment that required some type of income. I had no choice but to apply for public assistance. When abuser found out I did this, I received a phone call from him pleading with me. "If you take me to court for child support, I will kill myself. Come back home now!" I believed him as he had an uncle who actually committed suicide some years before we were together. I waited a few days before I repacked our bags and boarded the bus back home.

Though he promised, things at home did not change as he had promised they would. Instead of finding a job, he suggested that we live on public assistance to support ourselves until one us found employment. Somehow he convinced me that I was better suited to find work as he said, "you're the smarter one. The one with more experience." Once again I had believed him as it was true I was the one already supporting us for years before I left. As for being the "smarter one," I let you decide that one. :0)

I put up with this so-called life that was only getting worse as time went by. He was the decision-maker on everything in the house. From the time I woke up in the morning, to what was for dinner, what clothes I could wear, the bank account where my pay checks were deposited to, whether or not my son would receive his suggested therapies for his disabilities. The list goes on and on. I was becoming more and more miserable. My son wasn't faring any better.

Once again I began to look for outside help. I found an agency that served victims of domestic violence. The Violence Against Women Act of 1994 (VAWA) http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/violence-against-women-act-vawa/ had been passed which made it a little easier to find services. Though I did not let on, he decided to leave too, but did not go very far. His mother then resided in the building right across from us. This was his way of isolating me because he had convinced her and his sister to move in the area a few years back. He never gave me his keys to our apartment, which under the law was still his residence. He came and went when I was at work moving his belongings out. The fact he lived so close also allowed him and his family to literally spy on my movements.

I felt actually worse. One night he came by to talk about us getting a divorce. I did not entertain the conversation any further after he asked me to pay for it. After all, he did not have a job to retain an attorney. I figured if he really wanted one, he would seek one and pay for it himself. Before he left, he made a threat. "If you don't (give me a divorce), I will do something to hurt your heart."

This statement alone was enough for me to secure an order of protection against him. Before it may have not been so easy to prove, but given my pleas and probable desparation in my eyes and words the judge sided in my favor. However in New York, restraining orders from either criminal or family court are not usually permanent. This meant going back and forth to court every two months to renew it. I will blog about this experience in another post.

After a few months, he managed to convince me yet again he was a changed man. He began coming over for dinner regularly, spending a little time with his son, and then expecting for us to be initmate with one another.I did not reject these advances as I missed him. I missed us. He was taking advantage of me, but I did not really see it as that right away until I began asking him for my needs to be filled. Come back home, get a job, be there for our son, move away, let's have another child.

As time went by, I started having suspcions he was not being faithful, which made me stop engaging in sexual acts with him. It did not stop him from trying. The final straw was the morning he came by under the guise of taking his son out for the day. He appeared to beligerent or maybe drunk. While my son was taking a bath and as I was getting some of his clothes ready, this man decided to rape me. He wanted me to "prove I wasn't sleeping with that ----. You're mine," he yelled. As he had his hands around my neck, looking straight into my eyes he said, "I should have squeezed harder."

As soon as he left, I called the police. They came by and took a report. With this report, I went to court the next day and was able to get a criminal and family court of protection keeping him away. It worked as he followed the orders. I also begged my mother to come home. Within three days, my son and I were out of harm's way and safe.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month Day 2

As I shared in yesterday's post, I was a victim of and survived domestic violence. I am now thriving. The journey of arriving to this point has been far from easy, but my will and determination got me here.

Help is available

I can outline the stops I made along the way, but the truth is what worked for me may not work for you. However I encourage to find the strength within yourself to make the call or walk into an agency to a place that provides assistance to people affected with domestic violence. For nationwide services you can call the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence 800-799-7233 800-799-or 1.800.787.3224 TTY visit S.A.F.E. (http://www.safe4all.org/help/)for referrals in your area.

How I began.

I started by sharing what was happening at home with a very supportive supervisor at work who referred me to the company's EAP. D. confirmed I was indeed being victimized and pointed me to outside resources. Fortunately the state lived in at the time and the FMLA ( http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/domestic-violence-leave-taking-time-30129.html) protected my job as I took time off of work to go to court and tend to appointments.

On a mission

Once I started, I did not stop..I had both my son and I lives to save. Like most wars or conflicts, my battle was long. It did not end until almost three years later. During that time, there were court dates, numerous counseling sessions and support groups to attend, even court ordered supervised visitation for me to see my son who I lost custody of for awhile. I also enrolled in a paralegal program to learn the laws and how to apply them to both my cases that were in criminal and family court. I also joined VOW. (www.wowbwrc.org) These activities kept me busy and put me on the path I knew one day would have greater meaning not just for myself but others too.

What's your story?  Tell me here by leaving a comment or like my Facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/DomesticVIolenceAffectsEvery1

I believe our experiences are meant to be shared to heal and empower ourselves as we help others.

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month Continued

 For Anonymous and Confidential Help 24/7:
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
or visit www.ncadv.org 
   
For safety tips on internet safety, http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/InternetSafety.php


I have invited you to like a Facebook page I created http://www.facebook.com/DomesticVIolenceAffectsEvery1very simply because I wish to raise awareness about domestic violence aka intimate partner violence. 

You may (or not) know I was once a victim of domestic violence and that my abuser was a man I was married to and had children with. I spent many years alone and suffering because I did not know I was victim as I was never hit. At least this is one myth that was dispelled as there are many other forms of abuse which the page will highlight. (In the meantime in the upper left hand corner, is the Power and Control Wheel.)However, I was abused in other ways: emotionally, sexually, psychologically, and financially. Though over time, I began to share how I was feeling with others. These women some who never divulged directly if they had walked in my shoes, let me know in other ways I was not alone. They directed me to places where I could and did get help. They say leaving is both the hardest and most dangerous time for a victim, as this will only give more power to the abuser. Through writing, taking college level courses on the law, the support groups, victim advocate agencies, the judges and courts, I was able to get out--alive. I can't say it was smooth sailing after doing so, because it wasn't. In fact, it was much harder. I was now raising my son by myself who had been diagnosed with emotional and behavioral problems on top of his developmental delays. I myself was given diagnoses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression. There are times something will trigger a flashback, but I have found ways to deal with them.

Domestic violence does not discriminate. Not only does it affect everyone, it can happen to any1, anywhere @anytime.(TM) I want to let others they are not alone and do not need to feel as if they are. I acknowledge I did before I raised my voice. Through the exchange of shared information and resources are also opportunities to share their experiences of living in and surviving domestic violence and hopefully one day thriving. As for myself, I am in the thriving stage. I have since reclaimed my life and have been pursuing my ambitions of completing an undergraduate degree as I like to say to legitimatize my life experiences. I do not regret any of them as they opened my eyes, heart and ears to others plights who do not know no where to turn. Until now.

PS. Would you consider changing your profile pic to a purple ribbon and/or posting this message as your status update for some or all of October as it is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  

For Anonymous and Confidential Help 24/7:1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)or visit www.ncadv.org

 Peace, 

 Suzanne aka MzMariposa de Canarsie --

                             
                        "Strength does not lie in what you have. It lies in what you can give."
                                                                                                          -Yogi Tea Wisdom

         ~~~~~~~~~~ •• ƸӜƷ •• ƸӜƷ•• ƸӜƷ •• ƸӜƷ •• ƸӜƷ•• ƸӜƷ•• ƸӜƷ•• ~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY 2012 To Do List

Like some, I too make resolutions for the upcoming new year, however, I do not call them that or pinpoint an exact date to fulfill them. I simply make a written list of all the things I want to do and if I am able to, even better.

For 2012, I decided to list the 12 things I wish to accomplish within the year. Lucky for me, I will have one extra day as it's a Leap Year....which begs the question for those born on February 29th do they age every four years too?

I would love to hear of your resolutions or whatever you call them and see how you fare throughout the year. Please feel free to become a follower of my blog (http://crossingonerivertoanother.blogspot.com)

1. Pick a randomly a baseball-themed book a month. Suggestions welcomed.
(Currently reading, Shades of Glory: The Negro Leagues and the Story of African American Baseball by Lawrence D. Hogan)


2. Join a knitting group.
(There's one that meets weekly in a neighboring town. http://nutley.bccls.org/pdf/knittingclub.pdf)

3. Volunteer in my community or vicinity.
(I am thinking either at the library or historical society, senior center or domestic violence agency)

4. Start and maintain a website that showcase my forays in photography.
(Be sure to look for an invite to visit once it's up)

5. Visit every minor/independent baseball league in my state at least once.
(I have already been two: (www.newarkbears.com and www.jerseyjackals.com)

6. Visit a beach or two.
(The southern part of this state is known for them www.visitnj.org/beaches)

7. Visit a few museums such as the one in my state's capitol, catch one of many free performances on my campus, beginning at http://www.state.nj.us/state/museum and www.montclair.edu/university_calendar/eventdisplay.php?EventID=16091)

8.Begin writing my memoir, or the play that's been in my head for ages.
(There's a writing group in the next town's library. http://nutley.bccls.org/pdf/pentoprose.pdf)

9. Cook at least one meal a month of a culture I have yet to try....or at least visit an eatery that would do the same and I wont have a kitchen to clean afterward.
(The town where I go to school offers an array that can be found here http://www.montclaireats.com)

10. Hop on my bike/the train to nowhere in particular, get off and explore.
(I already do this often, as I do not know how or wish to drive)

11. Organize my closets and donate the stuff that I never ever use.
(Anyone wear a 7.5 shoe?)

12. Learn a new language.
(Polish, Swahili and American Sign Language are on my list)

His Sneakers My Dreams 21 Years Later

I first wrote this article in 1990 while I was an intern reporter in high school. It has been featured in the books Things Get Hectic and The Struggle To Be Strong as well as YCteen Magazine formerly known as New Youth Connections.


I am republishing it here on a blog I have not updated in awhile as I felt compelled to share an incident that has never left my mind or heart after all these years. It was because of this article http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2011/12/release_of_air_jordans_sneaker.html

It has me curious, as what are the creator and superstar namesake of whom these sneakers are named for thinking about what happened. I wonder too, are they going to respond? It's the least that they could. Just do it for Sam.

His Sneakers, My Dreams

My Criminal Justice class last spring was really boring. I was always tired because it was my last class of the day. When the teacher talked about the difference between first and second degree murder, I would drift into dreamland.

I would imagine what my future might be like, think of another idea for a story or poem, or of what my boyfriend and I would be doing that weekend.

Sometimes, I would stare at the sneakers of the guy who sat next to me. He had two pairs-one black, one white. Ballys, I think. I always wondered where he'd been in them, the kinds of places he went.

I'll call him Sam. He was the first person I spoke to on the first day of class. When class was over, I noticed he had forgotten his umbrella underneath his chair and I told him. He thanked me and smiled.

I Only Spoke To Him Once

That was the only time I ever really spoke to Sam, even though I sat next to him five days a week. I also remember he and another girl in class were always annoying one another, and the teacher used to joke that they'd end up getting married.

At the beginning of the term, the teacher asked us to talk about ourselves and our future plans. Most of us had some kind of long-term plan. One girl wanted to be a lawyer, another a social worker, and one of the guys wanted to be a cop. Right after graduation, Sam said he was going to go into the military. After that he wanted to become a corrections officer.

Last May (I remember it as if it were five minutes ago), I was sitting in my auto shop class. The teacher looked really upset and somebody asked him what was the matter. He told us that one of his students had been shot and killed over the weekend. He mentioned the name, which sounded familiar to me. Wasn't that the guy who sat next to me in my Criminal Justice class? The only way I could be sure was to see if he was sitting in his usual seat that afternoon. He was always there and always on time.

His Seat Was Empty

When I went to class, the seat was empty and everyone had tears in their eyes. My teacher broke the news to us: Sam was the student killed over the weekend.

It was over something stupid-I think he stepped on someone's sneakers and they got into an argument. He was killed just two weeks after we learned about the different charges for murder.

I don't usually cry a lot, but this time I did. I cried because he was a teenager and I was a teenager. My tears were for the loss of one of our own. It was as bad as if he were a member of my own family.

I am really scared that this won't be the last time this will happen to someone I know. It's been happening every day to my peers around the city. Teenagers are losing friends over stupid things-dirty looks, clothes, jealousy, and revenge.

I have one message for Sam's killers and for teenagers around New York City. Even if it looks hopeless, we are our world's future. Maybe if you plan ahead, you too can have something to look forward to. I know Sam did and so do I.

copyright Youth Communication-New York Center, Inc.
http://www.ycteenmag.org

A Flower That Has Blossomed Called Me

I was once given the following advice, "never put in writing what you can't say in person."

I disagree with the statement for reasons being I feel I can better express myself through written communication than I can in difficult face to face conversations. Much like the ones I have had in a series of text messages with the one who brought me into this world who also for some reason wants to me suffer in it as well.

It has taken me awhile and my time on the other side of the river to realize though she is my mother, it does not mean I have to accept the mistreatment and emotional abuse from her or anyone for that matter.

We have always had a quirky relationship since I was in junior high school. Before that, I idolized her particularly because she raised me and my sister practically by herself while holding down a job and going back to school. No other mothers I knew were doing that then or if they were, they had husbands supporting them.

History has repeated itself in my own life. I embarked on going back to college several times, but lacked any support or encouragement from this woman. I was criticised (and of course his father also equally oppressive) for not being a better to my own son on many, many occasions. Sure I have had to make difficult decisions such as going back to work, juggling school and motherhood simultaneously. I believed what I was shown by her from grade school. If you want something, anything is possible as long as you put in the effort. I tried several times, but I would become so wrapped up in pleasing others I lost my purpose.

When I began to find it again, I decided I was going forward without them. This of course is hard for oppressors and abusers to accept. Why? Because once they lose control over you, they wither while you blossom. From previous posts you will read the reasons I crossed the river and as a result none have been considered valid enough for her to accept.

Tonight after 59 days since her last text wishing me a happy birthday, I heard from her again. She informed she would not be able to look after her only grandson for one night while I have my thyroid procedure. We went back and forth for at least an hour with her believing she "won," but I know better.

I truly and honestly believe with her access to my social media pages permit her to see and read about this (her) flower has blossomed in soil she could not taint for I would not allow it.

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day and in the United States is also the day honoring Christopher Columbus. Some idolize, others despise him. I have grown to accept this man's actions through a diverse network of friends from all different backgrounds and cultures that went beyond what school books have taught me. Their stories are not much different than everyone else but unique in that they provide one that's enriched deep in tradition with a twist. How you ask?

If we stay in our positions for too long, we grow stagnant, much like when we're afflicted with emotional difficulties. If we let it overtake us we feel helpless looking at every situation as hopeless. For me, life has presented crappy moments what felt like eons with no way out but down. Through support on professional and informal levels, I like Columbus and my friends found a way to navigate myself in a world both foreign and waiting for our contributions.

My blog, the one that you're reading now) shares these experiences because I believe we all need encouragement and empowerment especially from ones who traveled the path. Everyday is a new day. It's waiting for us to explore it in and out as we grow and move forward in search of whatever we are looking for.

For me, I have already charted my course, and left a place I have known all my life for somewhere new. It was a bold and courageous move, being that I knew turning around would not be an option. It has been almost a year now and a decision I do not regret making. I have found that my soul and psyche are at peace in a way as never before. I owe this to the supports I have in place and being in control.