A Flower That Has Blossomed Called Me

I was once given the following advice, "never put in writing what you can't say in person."

I disagree with the statement for reasons being I feel I can better express myself through written communication than I can in difficult face to face conversations. Much like the ones I have had in a series of text messages with the one who brought me into this world who also for some reason wants to me suffer in it as well.

It has taken me awhile and my time on the other side of the river to realize though she is my mother, it does not mean I have to accept the mistreatment and emotional abuse from her or anyone for that matter.

We have always had a quirky relationship since I was in junior high school. Before that, I idolized her particularly because she raised me and my sister practically by herself while holding down a job and going back to school. No other mothers I knew were doing that then or if they were, they had husbands supporting them.

History has repeated itself in my own life. I embarked on going back to college several times, but lacked any support or encouragement from this woman. I was criticised (and of course his father also equally oppressive) for not being a better to my own son on many, many occasions. Sure I have had to make difficult decisions such as going back to work, juggling school and motherhood simultaneously. I believed what I was shown by her from grade school. If you want something, anything is possible as long as you put in the effort. I tried several times, but I would become so wrapped up in pleasing others I lost my purpose.

When I began to find it again, I decided I was going forward without them. This of course is hard for oppressors and abusers to accept. Why? Because once they lose control over you, they wither while you blossom. From previous posts you will read the reasons I crossed the river and as a result none have been considered valid enough for her to accept.

Tonight after 59 days since her last text wishing me a happy birthday, I heard from her again. She informed she would not be able to look after her only grandson for one night while I have my thyroid procedure. We went back and forth for at least an hour with her believing she "won," but I know better.

I truly and honestly believe with her access to my social media pages permit her to see and read about this (her) flower has blossomed in soil she could not taint for I would not allow it.

Doing Instead of Wanting

I have always wanted to eat healthier but wanting is not actually doing. When I recently learned the thyroid ultrasound scan I had done found a nodule, I decided that this was the time to do more and want less.

I scoured online retailers for an economical mixer/blender that would allow me to do the job simply. Since I bought this device, I have had meatless dinners and feel a difference of how my usually feelings of fatigued have waned. I am not sure it's a state of mind or knowing I will have additional tests to discern what the course of treatment will be. But I do know, I am nourishing my body in a way I have never before. I also hear that eating right also helps one's mood. I am not feeling as depressed either. 

The depression I attribute to a former life of oppression. Learning how to take that back has not been easy but it gives me hope and a kick of motivation. My oppressors have took notice of  my changes as they are now looking for a way back in. However, I hold the keys and I have told them I am not ready to open those doors again. I am in the stages of going forward, not backward.

Recognizing that sometimes we have to go backward in order to go forward is a hard pill to swallow. This is why I also had made a decision to do something I thought I would never again. At our recent child support case I was approached by my former abusive husband and son's father. He seemed genuine in wanting to end a years long absence in his son's life. I had to think and tread carefully on this request, knowing he's one of those people that wants but doesn't always do. The one who gets hurt and becomes disappointed is my son. I am left to pick up the pieces. I agreed. They were reunited on my son's 16th birthday.

As of late crossing the river has become much less of a metaphor than actually doing it, as I take steps to bettering myself. Becoming who I wish and want to be. I am no longer only wanting but doing. Now I need to end here and finish my mission statement to the university I applied to.

Some simple, tasty recipes I created for you to try and enjoy.

Tortellini Vegetable Soup- Suzanne’s Way
 
1 package of tortellini
1 can of creamed soup (I like broccoli)
1 can of spinach 
1 can of mixed vegetables
1 cup of frozen winter vegetables
handful of shredded cheese (I like the Mexican blends)
 
Directions
 
Boil tortellini and frozen winter vegetables according to package.
Prepare creamed soup according to the can. 
Season to taste ( I use adobo, sometimes curry)
Place and stir all ingredients into a large bowl and microwave covered for about 5 minutes.
Top with shredded cheese. 

 Smoothies by Suzanne
 
Smoothie number 1
12 ounces cold chocolate soy milk
3 tablespoons of crunchy peanut butter
Blend for desired consistency
 
Smoothie number 2
4-6 ounces vanilla yogurt
1 banana (or fruit(s) of choice)
handful of favorite dry breakfast cereal ( I prefer either frosted flakes or frosted shredded wheat)
blend until smooth

http://www.endocrineweb.com/conditions/thyroid/thyroid-nodules