Why there needs to be Domestic Violence Awareness Everyday

October marks the month when an awareness to domestic violence is raised nationally. In my opinion 31 days is nearly not enough and one should be vigilant of how sadly and often it's occurring in homes across the world. For purposes of this blog post, I will provide you with information and resources available in the United States, but if you want to join a worldwide campaign to end violence around the world http://www.saynotoviolence.org/say-no-around-world

So you ask what is domestic violence. It is about one having control over another that can take many forms and inflicted in different ways. http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/what.htm Bruises are an obvious sign, but the emotional and verbal scars aren't. Though he and she can be used interchangably The Power and Control Wheel details what it is. The diagram can found and in the above picture and here http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Power%20and%20Control%20Wheel.htm

Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone could be an abuser and anyone can be a victim. http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/myths.htm. However I would like to use the terms survivor and lately thriver. It implies the victim has overcome, living and is (hopefully) thriving to the best of their abilities.

Getting help means acknowledging there is a problem. Here's how one can get assistance in the US, call 1-800-799-7233 for referrals to help in your area. There's also information on the Internet, but suggest you are careful as web browsing on a computer you and your abuse share can be tracked. My suggestion if you find yourself in this situation, find another computer to use such one belonging to a trusted friend or library. There is a safety plan you can starting using as well which can be found here. http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/plan.htm

If you want & need informal emotional support, send me a private message (mzmariposa1973@gmail.com) or pull me aside. I'll do my best to be there for you, as I know having been there with and without support. Sometimes the ones we expect to help aren't in a position or willing to, but there are others that are. I am not an expert but my passions include carrying out the following justice for all, ending violence, and advocating for those who may not be able to do so for themselves. This is why returning to school at the age of 37 means much more than the degree(s) I expect to and will earn.

Sometimes though, we watch from afar our loved ones who we suspect are experiencing domestic violence we wish and beg for them to get out. It isn't always that easy for reasons in that are many. Especially when there are children involved or their immigration status is dependent on their spouse. This link shows you how you can help and with hopefully the encouragement and empowerment she or he receives your wish and their safety will be fulfilled. http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/how-can-i-help-a-friend-or-family-member-who-is-being-abused/

Happy Father's Day

I am a little late posting this, but then again I do not have a father who's alive to honor this day. My dad left when I was around 4 and half years old. I saw him a handful of times afterward. Eventually those visits ceased altogether when he remarried, bought a huge house and lived his life as my sister and I were not his daughters.

I never understood why or could ask him as he died and without knowing he had a grandson. For years I grew up angry at him resulting in hating men and the concept of marriage. I swore I was never going to get married or have children and put them through something like this. However as you know from reading previous posts, I did end up marrying into an abusive relationship and having two sons. Only one survived the divorce but is emotionally scarred as a result.

When I was married, I did begin to see that maybe my father wasn't at total fault to the demise of his marriage to my mother. Being married is a lot of work and effort, I do feel neither of us was ready for and maybe not interested in. Very recently, I learned that girls who do not have their fathers in their lives tend to gravitate towards men who are not good for them. I am proof of that. Always seeking the approval of a man who will manipulate my longing for unconditional love and security.

Thank goodness for therapy and my journey of self discovery. I am determined not to fall into that trap again. Sadly though my son is without his father's presence and guidance in his life partly by choice on both sides but I blame mostly his dad. I believe he should "weather the storms" of having a child with special needs without fail but why does my opinion matter?

Anyway, I did finally get some my own unanswered questions about my dad from his sister. My aunt and I reconnected through emails and Facebook. I am grateful for her presence in my life and often let her know it. I have since accepted I am more of my father's people than my mother's which explained a lot about who I am.

So dad, wherever you are Happy Father's Day. The same wishes applies to those who are unconditionally fulfilling your roles as a dad too.

I'm Alive

As I write this entry, I hopped off my bike and am sitting under a semi-shady tree in a park that spans two towns. Branch Brook Park is infamous for it's annual showcase of Cherry Blossom Trees. The last time I was here was shortly after I crossed the river and just in time to marvel at the beautiful colors of autumn.

Now as I sit here on what could be described as an ideal and perfect spring day. Much is on my mind but nothing that would normally weigh me down. I have really embraced the concept of "one day at a time" since learning I have a thyroid condition. I don't react as much as I used to and if I do it's when pleasant moments appear. Though those are scarce so is our time here on earth. I want my days to be filled with events I cannot only appreciate but capture in a photo, a blog entry, and a memory to reflect on.

Reclaiming my life has been a process. I am becoming successful at knowing who and what I want in it. I feel confident that whatever the outcome of my upcoming discussion with the surgeon will be favorable. I have made a decision to eat better. By making my own soups and fruit yogurt smoothies, loading my plate with spring mix salads and a little meat. I finally feel alive instead of just living. I have since applied to two universities for fallþ 2011 admission. This week I will be starting a training program for volunteer court advocates. There are a couple more goals I would like to accomplish but as they say everything in moderation. There really isn't a rush to do everything anymore. I am on no one's clock. I am appreciating the now. I encourage you to do the same and live the life you want.

There's no instruction manual, but if I could offer a prompt you: start by asking yourself: what is it that I want? What is that I need to acquire it?

Are you appreciative and how so?

Many years ago I experienced the loss of my youngest son. JNM was in this world less than four months. I have gotten over it remarkdly well as life for my surviving son and I were marred with all sorts of turmoil that kept me "busy" and little time to dwell.

What I learned from this, was as the saying goes, it is true, "life is too short." I am witnessing this everyday as another force of nature hits and sometimes devastates the world and leaving it's citizens in ruins. Take for example, last night my area experienced heavy rains and high wind gusts due to tornadoes that just early battered places. One of which, I visited twice in the last two years and where I have family. Fortunately, they were unharmed but their surrounding towns, ones we drove through weren't. Before this it was Japan's tsunami and earthquakes of which a month later aftershocks are still hitting the area. Then previously, it was Haiti.

I realize these events have always taken place for as long as this planet has been around, but it makes me appreciate what's here now for the next hour it may not be. I ask you, what are you appreciative of? How or do you cherish what is in your life?

For me, it is doing and engaging in activities I longed to do but previously haven't gotten around to it. I no longer wait to do something. Mine include writing regularly, traveling more, taking random pictures and trying something new at least once a week. That last activity usually involves trying or making food and exploring the towns I am in.

Doing Instead of Wanting

I have always wanted to eat healthier but wanting is not actually doing. When I recently learned the thyroid ultrasound scan I had done found a nodule, I decided that this was the time to do more and want less.

I scoured online retailers for an economical mixer/blender that would allow me to do the job simply. Since I bought this device, I have had meatless dinners and feel a difference of how my usually feelings of fatigued have waned. I am not sure it's a state of mind or knowing I will have additional tests to discern what the course of treatment will be. But I do know, I am nourishing my body in a way I have never before. I also hear that eating right also helps one's mood. I am not feeling as depressed either. 

The depression I attribute to a former life of oppression. Learning how to take that back has not been easy but it gives me hope and a kick of motivation. My oppressors have took notice of  my changes as they are now looking for a way back in. However, I hold the keys and I have told them I am not ready to open those doors again. I am in the stages of going forward, not backward.

Recognizing that sometimes we have to go backward in order to go forward is a hard pill to swallow. This is why I also had made a decision to do something I thought I would never again. At our recent child support case I was approached by my former abusive husband and son's father. He seemed genuine in wanting to end a years long absence in his son's life. I had to think and tread carefully on this request, knowing he's one of those people that wants but doesn't always do. The one who gets hurt and becomes disappointed is my son. I am left to pick up the pieces. I agreed. They were reunited on my son's 16th birthday.

As of late crossing the river has become much less of a metaphor than actually doing it, as I take steps to bettering myself. Becoming who I wish and want to be. I am no longer only wanting but doing. Now I need to end here and finish my mission statement to the university I applied to.

Some simple, tasty recipes I created for you to try and enjoy.

Tortellini Vegetable Soup- Suzanne’s Way
 
1 package of tortellini
1 can of creamed soup (I like broccoli)
1 can of spinach 
1 can of mixed vegetables
1 cup of frozen winter vegetables
handful of shredded cheese (I like the Mexican blends)
 
Directions
 
Boil tortellini and frozen winter vegetables according to package.
Prepare creamed soup according to the can. 
Season to taste ( I use adobo, sometimes curry)
Place and stir all ingredients into a large bowl and microwave covered for about 5 minutes.
Top with shredded cheese. 

 Smoothies by Suzanne
 
Smoothie number 1
12 ounces cold chocolate soy milk
3 tablespoons of crunchy peanut butter
Blend for desired consistency
 
Smoothie number 2
4-6 ounces vanilla yogurt
1 banana (or fruit(s) of choice)
handful of favorite dry breakfast cereal ( I prefer either frosted flakes or frosted shredded wheat)
blend until smooth

http://www.endocrineweb.com/conditions/thyroid/thyroid-nodules

Today marks 16 years

Sixteen years ago today, I became a mom for the first time. BTM entered my life at 11:37 that morning, and it hasn't been the same since. Being his mother, I learned what unconditional love is. He is my pride, mirror, and reason I have never given up-even when there were times I felt that was my only option. I have learned how to be his advocate, biggest cheerleader, and teacher. BTM was born with developmental delays and later diagnosed with ADHD. He had and still has needs that require much more patience and tolerance that could overwhelm two parents much less one. I have almost raised him by myself for nine years while holding down full time jobs and going to college.

These 16 years are filled with both lifelong memories. From the time he first sat up on his own at five months, to his first baseball game that affirmed his loyalty to the Yankees, asking endless questions scoring his first three pointer on his basketball team, his genuine interest or more like obsession with NYC's public transportation system, our first trip and eight day stay in various cities in California together in 2005, to shopping for a suit to wear at his junior high graduation and then my own college commencement in 2009 that we celebrated that summer by visiting other baseball cities around the country, his voice becoming deeper and signs of a slight now full mustache beard, and now me looking up at him. Where did the time go?

As he celebrates another birthday, this will be the second one I won't be with him. Earlier this week, his long estranged father and I agreed for them to have a visit. Something, I have been hesitant to allow given our past history and allegations that have been both proven and unproven. However after consulting with others in similar situations, I thought carefully and broached the subject with my son. The decision was not an easy one, but given that many of us (myself included) have lost a parent without having many questions answered, it's time. Just as it will be one day to let Brandon go into the world but first we have a train across the river to catch.

Spring's (finally) Here

In the last few days, I have managed to force myself out of my apartment, despite the daily and incessant fatigued feeling that ravages over me. It was a productive week. Beginning with the exploration of a new town here in the county I live. I was bummed I did not have my camera to photograph the town of Caldwell as I walked along the main avenue and came across the birthplace of President Grover Cleveland, the First Presbyterian church his father served as the pastor of and several Mom and Pop stores. I made an obligatory stop at their library and browsed their collections, viewed their display of the then and now which was quite fascinating, and checked in on Facebook. A much better visited library than the one I previously posted about.

Later that afternoon, I took the bus to Montclair. First stop was get lunch for a slice of pizza at Villa Victoria Pizzeria on Park Street at I must admit the best I have had in NJ so far. I have already tried at least five places and not impressed. Afterward I headed to Montclair State University's Transfer Open House. I had considered walking but I decided against as it was over four miles away and did not believe I would have been able to endure it so soon. Looks like I know where I mostly likely will be pursuing my bachelor's beginning in this fall. The fact I would not have to repeat math is the most appealing, the least is that my first semester will probably require me to take out a loan as I wont meet the residency requirement until next spring.

The following day I stayed home as the rain kept me inside, but I managed to get the house cleaned again and search online for other upcoming activities to partake in. Was elated to find out that the weather on Friday would be in the 70s. Celebrating my 25% Irishness, I spent the afternoon in downtown Newark watching the St. Patrick's Day parade-my first ever. As I sat there, I reflected on a week that wasn't as stressful as all the others have been and it made a huge impact on my energy levels. I also thought about my interest in beginning an indoor garden.

When I arrived home, my son and I took a walk through the park in search of basketball court but found none. This is a shame as he really likes and is really good at playing. After an ice cream stop, we headed over to the store and picked up seeds, soil and the flower pots. This Saturday morning I planted them in hopes that an array of flowers and herbs will sprout and blossom in the way I have over the last six months when I crossed one river to another.

I am anticipating a busy and diverse week filled with activities. Beginning with Sunday's trip to the Prudential Center to view WWE's event, a town hall meeting with the governor who I also suspect will one day be in the White House, volunteering and partaking in the activities at the Go Newark's HoopFest, and the start of a sign language class I signed up for.