Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day

I am a little late posting this, but then again I do not have a father who's alive to honor this day. My dad left when I was around 4 and half years old. I saw him a handful of times afterward. Eventually those visits ceased altogether when he remarried, bought a huge house and lived his life as my sister and I were not his daughters.

I never understood why or could ask him as he died and without knowing he had a grandson. For years I grew up angry at him resulting in hating men and the concept of marriage. I swore I was never going to get married or have children and put them through something like this. However as you know from reading previous posts, I did end up marrying into an abusive relationship and having two sons. Only one survived the divorce but is emotionally scarred as a result.

When I was married, I did begin to see that maybe my father wasn't at total fault to the demise of his marriage to my mother. Being married is a lot of work and effort, I do feel neither of us was ready for and maybe not interested in. Very recently, I learned that girls who do not have their fathers in their lives tend to gravitate towards men who are not good for them. I am proof of that. Always seeking the approval of a man who will manipulate my longing for unconditional love and security.

Thank goodness for therapy and my journey of self discovery. I am determined not to fall into that trap again. Sadly though my son is without his father's presence and guidance in his life partly by choice on both sides but I blame mostly his dad. I believe he should "weather the storms" of having a child with special needs without fail but why does my opinion matter?

Anyway, I did finally get some my own unanswered questions about my dad from his sister. My aunt and I reconnected through emails and Facebook. I am grateful for her presence in my life and often let her know it. I have since accepted I am more of my father's people than my mother's which explained a lot about who I am.

So dad, wherever you are Happy Father's Day. The same wishes applies to those who are unconditionally fulfilling your roles as a dad too.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Suzanne,
    Hi! Stumbled across your blog. Have a first-born who is in her mother's custody in another city. Want us to understand, how I could be a better dad, through your prism.

    Thanks and hope to see you on my blog!