I'm Alive

As I write this entry, I hopped off my bike and am sitting under a semi-shady tree in a park that spans two towns. Branch Brook Park is infamous for it's annual showcase of Cherry Blossom Trees. The last time I was here was shortly after I crossed the river and just in time to marvel at the beautiful colors of autumn.

Now as I sit here on what could be described as an ideal and perfect spring day. Much is on my mind but nothing that would normally weigh me down. I have really embraced the concept of "one day at a time" since learning I have a thyroid condition. I don't react as much as I used to and if I do it's when pleasant moments appear. Though those are scarce so is our time here on earth. I want my days to be filled with events I cannot only appreciate but capture in a photo, a blog entry, and a memory to reflect on.

Reclaiming my life has been a process. I am becoming successful at knowing who and what I want in it. I feel confident that whatever the outcome of my upcoming discussion with the surgeon will be favorable. I have made a decision to eat better. By making my own soups and fruit yogurt smoothies, loading my plate with spring mix salads and a little meat. I finally feel alive instead of just living. I have since applied to two universities for fallþ 2011 admission. This week I will be starting a training program for volunteer court advocates. There are a couple more goals I would like to accomplish but as they say everything in moderation. There really isn't a rush to do everything anymore. I am on no one's clock. I am appreciating the now. I encourage you to do the same and live the life you want.

There's no instruction manual, but if I could offer a prompt you: start by asking yourself: what is it that I want? What is that I need to acquire it?

Are you appreciative and how so?

Many years ago I experienced the loss of my youngest son. JNM was in this world less than four months. I have gotten over it remarkdly well as life for my surviving son and I were marred with all sorts of turmoil that kept me "busy" and little time to dwell.

What I learned from this, was as the saying goes, it is true, "life is too short." I am witnessing this everyday as another force of nature hits and sometimes devastates the world and leaving it's citizens in ruins. Take for example, last night my area experienced heavy rains and high wind gusts due to tornadoes that just early battered places. One of which, I visited twice in the last two years and where I have family. Fortunately, they were unharmed but their surrounding towns, ones we drove through weren't. Before this it was Japan's tsunami and earthquakes of which a month later aftershocks are still hitting the area. Then previously, it was Haiti.

I realize these events have always taken place for as long as this planet has been around, but it makes me appreciate what's here now for the next hour it may not be. I ask you, what are you appreciative of? How or do you cherish what is in your life?

For me, it is doing and engaging in activities I longed to do but previously haven't gotten around to it. I no longer wait to do something. Mine include writing regularly, traveling more, taking random pictures and trying something new at least once a week. That last activity usually involves trying or making food and exploring the towns I am in.

Doing Instead of Wanting

I have always wanted to eat healthier but wanting is not actually doing. When I recently learned the thyroid ultrasound scan I had done found a nodule, I decided that this was the time to do more and want less.

I scoured online retailers for an economical mixer/blender that would allow me to do the job simply. Since I bought this device, I have had meatless dinners and feel a difference of how my usually feelings of fatigued have waned. I am not sure it's a state of mind or knowing I will have additional tests to discern what the course of treatment will be. But I do know, I am nourishing my body in a way I have never before. I also hear that eating right also helps one's mood. I am not feeling as depressed either. 

The depression I attribute to a former life of oppression. Learning how to take that back has not been easy but it gives me hope and a kick of motivation. My oppressors have took notice of  my changes as they are now looking for a way back in. However, I hold the keys and I have told them I am not ready to open those doors again. I am in the stages of going forward, not backward.

Recognizing that sometimes we have to go backward in order to go forward is a hard pill to swallow. This is why I also had made a decision to do something I thought I would never again. At our recent child support case I was approached by my former abusive husband and son's father. He seemed genuine in wanting to end a years long absence in his son's life. I had to think and tread carefully on this request, knowing he's one of those people that wants but doesn't always do. The one who gets hurt and becomes disappointed is my son. I am left to pick up the pieces. I agreed. They were reunited on my son's 16th birthday.

As of late crossing the river has become much less of a metaphor than actually doing it, as I take steps to bettering myself. Becoming who I wish and want to be. I am no longer only wanting but doing. Now I need to end here and finish my mission statement to the university I applied to.

Some simple, tasty recipes I created for you to try and enjoy.

Tortellini Vegetable Soup- Suzanne’s Way
 
1 package of tortellini
1 can of creamed soup (I like broccoli)
1 can of spinach 
1 can of mixed vegetables
1 cup of frozen winter vegetables
handful of shredded cheese (I like the Mexican blends)
 
Directions
 
Boil tortellini and frozen winter vegetables according to package.
Prepare creamed soup according to the can. 
Season to taste ( I use adobo, sometimes curry)
Place and stir all ingredients into a large bowl and microwave covered for about 5 minutes.
Top with shredded cheese. 

 Smoothies by Suzanne
 
Smoothie number 1
12 ounces cold chocolate soy milk
3 tablespoons of crunchy peanut butter
Blend for desired consistency
 
Smoothie number 2
4-6 ounces vanilla yogurt
1 banana (or fruit(s) of choice)
handful of favorite dry breakfast cereal ( I prefer either frosted flakes or frosted shredded wheat)
blend until smooth

http://www.endocrineweb.com/conditions/thyroid/thyroid-nodules

Today marks 16 years

Sixteen years ago today, I became a mom for the first time. BTM entered my life at 11:37 that morning, and it hasn't been the same since. Being his mother, I learned what unconditional love is. He is my pride, mirror, and reason I have never given up-even when there were times I felt that was my only option. I have learned how to be his advocate, biggest cheerleader, and teacher. BTM was born with developmental delays and later diagnosed with ADHD. He had and still has needs that require much more patience and tolerance that could overwhelm two parents much less one. I have almost raised him by myself for nine years while holding down full time jobs and going to college.

These 16 years are filled with both lifelong memories. From the time he first sat up on his own at five months, to his first baseball game that affirmed his loyalty to the Yankees, asking endless questions scoring his first three pointer on his basketball team, his genuine interest or more like obsession with NYC's public transportation system, our first trip and eight day stay in various cities in California together in 2005, to shopping for a suit to wear at his junior high graduation and then my own college commencement in 2009 that we celebrated that summer by visiting other baseball cities around the country, his voice becoming deeper and signs of a slight now full mustache beard, and now me looking up at him. Where did the time go?

As he celebrates another birthday, this will be the second one I won't be with him. Earlier this week, his long estranged father and I agreed for them to have a visit. Something, I have been hesitant to allow given our past history and allegations that have been both proven and unproven. However after consulting with others in similar situations, I thought carefully and broached the subject with my son. The decision was not an easy one, but given that many of us (myself included) have lost a parent without having many questions answered, it's time. Just as it will be one day to let Brandon go into the world but first we have a train across the river to catch.

Spring's (finally) Here

In the last few days, I have managed to force myself out of my apartment, despite the daily and incessant fatigued feeling that ravages over me. It was a productive week. Beginning with the exploration of a new town here in the county I live. I was bummed I did not have my camera to photograph the town of Caldwell as I walked along the main avenue and came across the birthplace of President Grover Cleveland, the First Presbyterian church his father served as the pastor of and several Mom and Pop stores. I made an obligatory stop at their library and browsed their collections, viewed their display of the then and now which was quite fascinating, and checked in on Facebook. A much better visited library than the one I previously posted about.

Later that afternoon, I took the bus to Montclair. First stop was get lunch for a slice of pizza at Villa Victoria Pizzeria on Park Street at I must admit the best I have had in NJ so far. I have already tried at least five places and not impressed. Afterward I headed to Montclair State University's Transfer Open House. I had considered walking but I decided against as it was over four miles away and did not believe I would have been able to endure it so soon. Looks like I know where I mostly likely will be pursuing my bachelor's beginning in this fall. The fact I would not have to repeat math is the most appealing, the least is that my first semester will probably require me to take out a loan as I wont meet the residency requirement until next spring.

The following day I stayed home as the rain kept me inside, but I managed to get the house cleaned again and search online for other upcoming activities to partake in. Was elated to find out that the weather on Friday would be in the 70s. Celebrating my 25% Irishness, I spent the afternoon in downtown Newark watching the St. Patrick's Day parade-my first ever. As I sat there, I reflected on a week that wasn't as stressful as all the others have been and it made a huge impact on my energy levels. I also thought about my interest in beginning an indoor garden.

When I arrived home, my son and I took a walk through the park in search of basketball court but found none. This is a shame as he really likes and is really good at playing. After an ice cream stop, we headed over to the store and picked up seeds, soil and the flower pots. This Saturday morning I planted them in hopes that an array of flowers and herbs will sprout and blossom in the way I have over the last six months when I crossed one river to another.

I am anticipating a busy and diverse week filled with activities. Beginning with Sunday's trip to the Prudential Center to view WWE's event, a town hall meeting with the governor who I also suspect will one day be in the White House, volunteering and partaking in the activities at the Go Newark's HoopFest, and the start of a sign language class I signed up for.

Nyansapo

In my place of former employment, the office where I spent 35 plus hours a week, had huge windows that allows for a spectacular view of the river named after the explorer, Henry Hudson. I find something magical about bodies of water. Even though I do not know how to swim, this inability does not stop me from stepping into one; especially if this means I can collect some and bring home a bottle of it. However, I never crossed one before with the intentions of not coming back, as I recently did of the one that is shared by both the West Side of Manhattan and parts of the ever developing skyline of New Jersey.

For the love of baseball. At the end of 2009, I made a month by month list of what I wanted to accomplish in 2010. One of those items on that list was to meet Tim Raines, my baseball idol growing up 1980s. Raines would be in his second year managing the Newark Bears. I learned the Brick City was easy to access by public transportation from New York. However, I did not meet him in Newark but rather in Camden, New Jersey where the Bears were the visiting team against the RiverSharks.

My son and I arrived hours before the game and the wait felt like forever. Finally, when the gates opened, we did the obligatory tour of Campbell’s Field. Eventually we found our seats which were right next to the visiting team’s dugout and batting circle. A prime location for fans to either cheer loudly and distract the oppoenents or root for them. I always was the one who swam against the tide. As a youngster, I rooted loudly for my beloved Mets but even louder for my favorites on visiting teams. This no doubt, resulted in being heckled by amazingly enough the few fans in the stands at, Shea Stadium, my home away home. One of those players, was former Montreal Expo, Tim Raines. I would like to think he heard me because with every hit that landed him a base or two or three, he’d respond by stealing another. I can still smell the cigar that hit my shoulder.

When Raines came out of the clubhouse that afternoon, I finally got the opportunity to meet him. I shared how I became his fan (he wore #30, my birthdate), how long (20 plus years) I have been a fan and how far we came from (Queens) to see him. He seemed genuinely interested, graciously signed his autograph on baseball cards and took pictures with and for us. After answering a bunch of questions my son had, he then said, “you should come to games in Newark.” I replied that I would.

Two weeks later I made good on my word, and on Mother’s Day, my son and I finally ventured to Newark. It was announced that Raines, along with other members of the team would be on field before the game to sign autographs. I made my way through the short line and when I reached the table I was greeted with a hug by Raines. He remembered me as did some of the players as one asked, “weren’t you in Camden a couple of weeks ago?” There were some “Happy Mother’s Day” greetings too.

Throughout the season, we’d go to many more home games and became friendly with team who were comprised of players who had stints in the Big Show and/or the minors or just of college. It did not matter what brought these guys there but they all had one thing in common: they were living out their dreams of playing ball. A very powerful feeling took over me when I learned some of their stories and how willing they acknowledged us before, during and after their games whether it was by handing my son a game used bat (he has three) or a simple hello on a social networking site. This is welcoming. as in my experience visiting teams in the big leagues, this reception is more a rarity then an commonality.

Sometime that season, I realized I too had a second chance to change and fulfill my unwritten destiny. Up until that June, I was becoming disenchanted with my professional life at a stalemate partly because I did not have an advanced undergraduate degree and a support system in place to facilitate these goals. I was also becoming disheartened by my growing (and eventual disconnect) from the only family I had. Besides, I had always wanted to give my son an opportunity to live somewhere else other than New York. The lingering questions were how can make this happen? Where?

In previous years, we have visited baseball cities around the country and put our feet in the Pacific Ocean and Lake Michigan, walked along the James and York Rivers, sailed on Tibron Island, crossed The Charles and Chicago Rivers and video taped the sea lions on the docks of San Francisco Bay. However the idea to pick up and move to the center or the other side of the country seemed daunting. Then one midmorning, on our way to another game and while we were walking over The First Street bridge above the Passaic River that carries visitors from Harrison into Newark, New Jersey the thought popped into my head why not here?

However, during the planning stages I also went through one crisis after another. My son, the love of my life was hospitalized twice for severe emotional problems. Each stay was at least two weeks long and over three hours away. I had no less than four court cases as I pursued another item on that list which was a total separation from a second husband. An initial denial from the local housing authority which I fought to overturn but resulted in a long delay of the transfer my paperwork to the new one. Finally, a health scare of my own that brought me into the hospital. It was concluded that I was stressed out and not having a heart attack. I still like to believe, I was also heartbroken.

Gathering all the inner strength I could and a ton of persistence, I finally crossed the Hudson River without knowing a single soul in what would become my new neighborhood. Just as the millions of folks who participated in The Great Migration. They took chances, leaving behind the only life they knew and moved north in anticipation of better (and hopefully humane) opportunities than of what they had in the south. The book The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson gives readers a portrayal of some folk who and why they did and what became of their decisions to do so. I liken their courageanous to a do over. A rebirth. A second chance. Not much unlike the ones who play/manage/coach the Newark Bears or heck even myself.

As of this writing, I have been here four months. It’s been quite an adjustment from living in New York. Neighbors actually greet one another, my apartment and looks more like the home I had always envisioned, and I have plans of returning back to college not only to expand my professional pursuits but to foster my love of learning. My 2011 list is a work in progress but no matter I am going to make the most of this second chance.

Change: Yes You Can

I am not fond of politics. Heck, I didn't even cast my first vote until years after it was legal for me to do so. This is probably why members of my immediate family made snide comments on my acceptance to an invitation to join the thousands who who were in Washington, DC on January 20, 2009. His/herstory is made everyday but rarely does one have an opportunity to be a part of it firsthand. How could I say no? Even though, it meant boarding a bus a midnight, sleep notguaranteed, and wintery day I was going to be a part of something great.

For the most part, that election year I paid close attention to what was being said and promised by each of the candidates. Mostly because, I was angry, bothered about the previous administration's tactics and could not accept another four years of (excuse me for saying) B.S. Others figured I would support Hilary Clinton,mostly because she and I resembled each other in gender and race however, I did not. Partly, because we already had her husband in power and I was sold on the "change" Obama promised.

In my 37 years, I have lived through many different experiences that changed me for the better as well as the worse. As you, the reader, reads through my posts you will learn what they are, as I have nothing to hide. In fact, I share my story for therapeutic purposes but also to help others know that they are not alone in a world filled with billions. If it can help just one person, then I fulfilled my mission. Much like a politician, I am in it for myself but just not to reap the millions in dollars or accolades that come with the power.

I will admit since I witnessed the oath of presidency, I haven't paid much attention to him since as I said earlier, I am not interested in politics. Soon after, I made a list of what kind of change I wanted to incorporate in my own life and how I would go about it. For starters, it would to be (finally) graduate college despite previous failed attempts, but did that May. Also on that list was to travel by bus with my son around the country to baseball stadiums. That summer, we visited Chicago, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston and Washington, D.C. And finally, figure out a way to get out of a romantic relationship that was tearing me down but more of that in a future post. This, was the challenging of the three.

In the last six months of 2010, I plotted and embarked on even more changes that took resourcefulness, endless energy and courage. I did leave that relationship as well as family members behind who were unaccepting of the changes I would soon make. I left the only place I have ever know for another I hardly and still getting to know. What I found, finally feels like the home I have always wanted. Little by little, as I am become acclimated to this place as I am shedding the years of the good and bad of New York. As crazy as it sounds, I also resigned from a job I once loved passionately when I realized that if I were committed to making changes this had to be on the list too. Fortunately, I am still able to remain in touch with some folks who have touched my lives in very meaningful ways.