Domestic Violence Awareness Month Day 2

As I shared in yesterday's post, I was a victim of and survived domestic violence. I am now thriving. The journey of arriving to this point has been far from easy, but my will and determination got me here.

Help is available

I can outline the stops I made along the way, but the truth is what worked for me may not work for you. However I encourage to find the strength within yourself to make the call or walk into an agency to a place that provides assistance to people affected with domestic violence. For nationwide services you can call the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence 800-799-7233 800-799-or 1.800.787.3224 TTY visit S.A.F.E. (http://www.safe4all.org/help/)for referrals in your area.

How I began.

I started by sharing what was happening at home with a very supportive supervisor at work who referred me to the company's EAP. D. confirmed I was indeed being victimized and pointed me to outside resources. Fortunately the state lived in at the time and the FMLA ( http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/domestic-violence-leave-taking-time-30129.html) protected my job as I took time off of work to go to court and tend to appointments.

On a mission

Once I started, I did not stop..I had both my son and I lives to save. Like most wars or conflicts, my battle was long. It did not end until almost three years later. During that time, there were court dates, numerous counseling sessions and support groups to attend, even court ordered supervised visitation for me to see my son who I lost custody of for awhile. I also enrolled in a paralegal program to learn the laws and how to apply them to both my cases that were in criminal and family court. I also joined VOW. (www.wowbwrc.org) These activities kept me busy and put me on the path I knew one day would have greater meaning not just for myself but others too.

What's your story?  Tell me here by leaving a comment or like my Facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/DomesticVIolenceAffectsEvery1

I believe our experiences are meant to be shared to heal and empower ourselves as we help others.

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month Continued

 For Anonymous and Confidential Help 24/7:
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
or visit www.ncadv.org 
   
For safety tips on internet safety, http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/InternetSafety.php


I have invited you to like a Facebook page I created http://www.facebook.com/DomesticVIolenceAffectsEvery1very simply because I wish to raise awareness about domestic violence aka intimate partner violence. 

You may (or not) know I was once a victim of domestic violence and that my abuser was a man I was married to and had children with. I spent many years alone and suffering because I did not know I was victim as I was never hit. At least this is one myth that was dispelled as there are many other forms of abuse which the page will highlight. (In the meantime in the upper left hand corner, is the Power and Control Wheel.)However, I was abused in other ways: emotionally, sexually, psychologically, and financially. Though over time, I began to share how I was feeling with others. These women some who never divulged directly if they had walked in my shoes, let me know in other ways I was not alone. They directed me to places where I could and did get help. They say leaving is both the hardest and most dangerous time for a victim, as this will only give more power to the abuser. Through writing, taking college level courses on the law, the support groups, victim advocate agencies, the judges and courts, I was able to get out--alive. I can't say it was smooth sailing after doing so, because it wasn't. In fact, it was much harder. I was now raising my son by myself who had been diagnosed with emotional and behavioral problems on top of his developmental delays. I myself was given diagnoses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression. There are times something will trigger a flashback, but I have found ways to deal with them.

Domestic violence does not discriminate. Not only does it affect everyone, it can happen to any1, anywhere @anytime.(TM) I want to let others they are not alone and do not need to feel as if they are. I acknowledge I did before I raised my voice. Through the exchange of shared information and resources are also opportunities to share their experiences of living in and surviving domestic violence and hopefully one day thriving. As for myself, I am in the thriving stage. I have since reclaimed my life and have been pursuing my ambitions of completing an undergraduate degree as I like to say to legitimatize my life experiences. I do not regret any of them as they opened my eyes, heart and ears to others plights who do not know no where to turn. Until now.

PS. Would you consider changing your profile pic to a purple ribbon and/or posting this message as your status update for some or all of October as it is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  

For Anonymous and Confidential Help 24/7:1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)or visit www.ncadv.org

 Peace, 

 Suzanne aka MzMariposa de Canarsie --

                             
                        "Strength does not lie in what you have. It lies in what you can give."
                                                                                                          -Yogi Tea Wisdom

         ~~~~~~~~~~ •• ƸӜƷ •• ƸӜƷ•• ƸӜƷ •• ƸӜƷ •• ƸӜƷ•• ƸӜƷ•• ƸӜƷ•• ~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY 2012 To Do List

Like some, I too make resolutions for the upcoming new year, however, I do not call them that or pinpoint an exact date to fulfill them. I simply make a written list of all the things I want to do and if I am able to, even better.

For 2012, I decided to list the 12 things I wish to accomplish within the year. Lucky for me, I will have one extra day as it's a Leap Year....which begs the question for those born on February 29th do they age every four years too?

I would love to hear of your resolutions or whatever you call them and see how you fare throughout the year. Please feel free to become a follower of my blog (http://crossingonerivertoanother.blogspot.com)

1. Pick a randomly a baseball-themed book a month. Suggestions welcomed.
(Currently reading, Shades of Glory: The Negro Leagues and the Story of African American Baseball by Lawrence D. Hogan)


2. Join a knitting group.
(There's one that meets weekly in a neighboring town. http://nutley.bccls.org/pdf/knittingclub.pdf)

3. Volunteer in my community or vicinity.
(I am thinking either at the library or historical society, senior center or domestic violence agency)

4. Start and maintain a website that showcase my forays in photography.
(Be sure to look for an invite to visit once it's up)

5. Visit every minor/independent baseball league in my state at least once.
(I have already been two: (www.newarkbears.com and www.jerseyjackals.com)

6. Visit a beach or two.
(The southern part of this state is known for them www.visitnj.org/beaches)

7. Visit a few museums such as the one in my state's capitol, catch one of many free performances on my campus, beginning at http://www.state.nj.us/state/museum and www.montclair.edu/university_calendar/eventdisplay.php?EventID=16091)

8.Begin writing my memoir, or the play that's been in my head for ages.
(There's a writing group in the next town's library. http://nutley.bccls.org/pdf/pentoprose.pdf)

9. Cook at least one meal a month of a culture I have yet to try....or at least visit an eatery that would do the same and I wont have a kitchen to clean afterward.
(The town where I go to school offers an array that can be found here http://www.montclaireats.com)

10. Hop on my bike/the train to nowhere in particular, get off and explore.
(I already do this often, as I do not know how or wish to drive)

11. Organize my closets and donate the stuff that I never ever use.
(Anyone wear a 7.5 shoe?)

12. Learn a new language.
(Polish, Swahili and American Sign Language are on my list)

His Sneakers My Dreams 21 Years Later

I first wrote this article in 1990 while I was an intern reporter in high school. It has been featured in the books Things Get Hectic and The Struggle To Be Strong as well as YCteen Magazine formerly known as New Youth Connections.


I am republishing it here on a blog I have not updated in awhile as I felt compelled to share an incident that has never left my mind or heart after all these years. It was because of this article http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2011/12/release_of_air_jordans_sneaker.html

It has me curious, as what are the creator and superstar namesake of whom these sneakers are named for thinking about what happened. I wonder too, are they going to respond? It's the least that they could. Just do it for Sam.

His Sneakers, My Dreams

My Criminal Justice class last spring was really boring. I was always tired because it was my last class of the day. When the teacher talked about the difference between first and second degree murder, I would drift into dreamland.

I would imagine what my future might be like, think of another idea for a story or poem, or of what my boyfriend and I would be doing that weekend.

Sometimes, I would stare at the sneakers of the guy who sat next to me. He had two pairs-one black, one white. Ballys, I think. I always wondered where he'd been in them, the kinds of places he went.

I'll call him Sam. He was the first person I spoke to on the first day of class. When class was over, I noticed he had forgotten his umbrella underneath his chair and I told him. He thanked me and smiled.

I Only Spoke To Him Once

That was the only time I ever really spoke to Sam, even though I sat next to him five days a week. I also remember he and another girl in class were always annoying one another, and the teacher used to joke that they'd end up getting married.

At the beginning of the term, the teacher asked us to talk about ourselves and our future plans. Most of us had some kind of long-term plan. One girl wanted to be a lawyer, another a social worker, and one of the guys wanted to be a cop. Right after graduation, Sam said he was going to go into the military. After that he wanted to become a corrections officer.

Last May (I remember it as if it were five minutes ago), I was sitting in my auto shop class. The teacher looked really upset and somebody asked him what was the matter. He told us that one of his students had been shot and killed over the weekend. He mentioned the name, which sounded familiar to me. Wasn't that the guy who sat next to me in my Criminal Justice class? The only way I could be sure was to see if he was sitting in his usual seat that afternoon. He was always there and always on time.

His Seat Was Empty

When I went to class, the seat was empty and everyone had tears in their eyes. My teacher broke the news to us: Sam was the student killed over the weekend.

It was over something stupid-I think he stepped on someone's sneakers and they got into an argument. He was killed just two weeks after we learned about the different charges for murder.

I don't usually cry a lot, but this time I did. I cried because he was a teenager and I was a teenager. My tears were for the loss of one of our own. It was as bad as if he were a member of my own family.

I am really scared that this won't be the last time this will happen to someone I know. It's been happening every day to my peers around the city. Teenagers are losing friends over stupid things-dirty looks, clothes, jealousy, and revenge.

I have one message for Sam's killers and for teenagers around New York City. Even if it looks hopeless, we are our world's future. Maybe if you plan ahead, you too can have something to look forward to. I know Sam did and so do I.

copyright Youth Communication-New York Center, Inc.
http://www.ycteenmag.org

A Flower That Has Blossomed Called Me

I was once given the following advice, "never put in writing what you can't say in person."

I disagree with the statement for reasons being I feel I can better express myself through written communication than I can in difficult face to face conversations. Much like the ones I have had in a series of text messages with the one who brought me into this world who also for some reason wants to me suffer in it as well.

It has taken me awhile and my time on the other side of the river to realize though she is my mother, it does not mean I have to accept the mistreatment and emotional abuse from her or anyone for that matter.

We have always had a quirky relationship since I was in junior high school. Before that, I idolized her particularly because she raised me and my sister practically by herself while holding down a job and going back to school. No other mothers I knew were doing that then or if they were, they had husbands supporting them.

History has repeated itself in my own life. I embarked on going back to college several times, but lacked any support or encouragement from this woman. I was criticised (and of course his father also equally oppressive) for not being a better to my own son on many, many occasions. Sure I have had to make difficult decisions such as going back to work, juggling school and motherhood simultaneously. I believed what I was shown by her from grade school. If you want something, anything is possible as long as you put in the effort. I tried several times, but I would become so wrapped up in pleasing others I lost my purpose.

When I began to find it again, I decided I was going forward without them. This of course is hard for oppressors and abusers to accept. Why? Because once they lose control over you, they wither while you blossom. From previous posts you will read the reasons I crossed the river and as a result none have been considered valid enough for her to accept.

Tonight after 59 days since her last text wishing me a happy birthday, I heard from her again. She informed she would not be able to look after her only grandson for one night while I have my thyroid procedure. We went back and forth for at least an hour with her believing she "won," but I know better.

I truly and honestly believe with her access to my social media pages permit her to see and read about this (her) flower has blossomed in soil she could not taint for I would not allow it.

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day and in the United States is also the day honoring Christopher Columbus. Some idolize, others despise him. I have grown to accept this man's actions through a diverse network of friends from all different backgrounds and cultures that went beyond what school books have taught me. Their stories are not much different than everyone else but unique in that they provide one that's enriched deep in tradition with a twist. How you ask?

If we stay in our positions for too long, we grow stagnant, much like when we're afflicted with emotional difficulties. If we let it overtake us we feel helpless looking at every situation as hopeless. For me, life has presented crappy moments what felt like eons with no way out but down. Through support on professional and informal levels, I like Columbus and my friends found a way to navigate myself in a world both foreign and waiting for our contributions.

My blog, the one that you're reading now) shares these experiences because I believe we all need encouragement and empowerment especially from ones who traveled the path. Everyday is a new day. It's waiting for us to explore it in and out as we grow and move forward in search of whatever we are looking for.

For me, I have already charted my course, and left a place I have known all my life for somewhere new. It was a bold and courageous move, being that I knew turning around would not be an option. It has been almost a year now and a decision I do not regret making. I have found that my soul and psyche are at peace in a way as never before. I owe this to the supports I have in place and being in control.

Why there needs to be Domestic Violence Awareness Everyday

October marks the month when an awareness to domestic violence is raised nationally. In my opinion 31 days is nearly not enough and one should be vigilant of how sadly and often it's occurring in homes across the world. For purposes of this blog post, I will provide you with information and resources available in the United States, but if you want to join a worldwide campaign to end violence around the world http://www.saynotoviolence.org/say-no-around-world

So you ask what is domestic violence. It is about one having control over another that can take many forms and inflicted in different ways. http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/what.htm Bruises are an obvious sign, but the emotional and verbal scars aren't. Though he and she can be used interchangably The Power and Control Wheel details what it is. The diagram can found and in the above picture and here http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Power%20and%20Control%20Wheel.htm

Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone could be an abuser and anyone can be a victim. http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/myths.htm. However I would like to use the terms survivor and lately thriver. It implies the victim has overcome, living and is (hopefully) thriving to the best of their abilities.

Getting help means acknowledging there is a problem. Here's how one can get assistance in the US, call 1-800-799-7233 for referrals to help in your area. There's also information on the Internet, but suggest you are careful as web browsing on a computer you and your abuse share can be tracked. My suggestion if you find yourself in this situation, find another computer to use such one belonging to a trusted friend or library. There is a safety plan you can starting using as well which can be found here. http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/plan.htm

If you want & need informal emotional support, send me a private message (mzmariposa1973@gmail.com) or pull me aside. I'll do my best to be there for you, as I know having been there with and without support. Sometimes the ones we expect to help aren't in a position or willing to, but there are others that are. I am not an expert but my passions include carrying out the following justice for all, ending violence, and advocating for those who may not be able to do so for themselves. This is why returning to school at the age of 37 means much more than the degree(s) I expect to and will earn.

Sometimes though, we watch from afar our loved ones who we suspect are experiencing domestic violence we wish and beg for them to get out. It isn't always that easy for reasons in that are many. Especially when there are children involved or their immigration status is dependent on their spouse. This link shows you how you can help and with hopefully the encouragement and empowerment she or he receives your wish and their safety will be fulfilled. http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/how-can-i-help-a-friend-or-family-member-who-is-being-abused/